Neighbours From Hellmouth 3 : Just Shoot Me
by Booster1
Summary: Sam's been busy working on a way to duplicate the way the Scoobies visit the SGC. That was a mistake.
1. And You Thought It Was Bad When They Los

Title : Neighbours From Hell(mouth) 3 : Just Shoot Me part 1 Author : Booster Rating : 15 Summary : Sam's been busy working on a way to duplicate the way the Scoobies visit the SGC. That was a mistake. Disclaimer : Buffy and the gang belong to Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy. The Stargate people belong to Gekko Productions, Double Secret Productions, MGM/UA, and Showtime/Viacom. Setting : Third in the Neighbours From Hell(mouth) series and a sequel to Just Popping Back. Takes place after both Buffy season 7 and Stargate season 7. Distribution: Twisting the Hellmouth, FanFiction.Net, if anyone else wants it, just email and ask.  
  
Feedback: Yes, please. Special Thanks : Rescue, who provided the French scenery and translations. And Laney, a very special beta reader and encourager. Plus, it was during one particular chat with her that this all fell into place. Blame her. I mean it. Her. Totally her fault. Stop looking at me like that. Author's Note : This was never meant to be a series, you know. Too much feedback from people enjoying it and wanting more parts. Plus, I got really attached to the characters. I just hope you're happy now.  
  
Chapter 1 - And You Thought It Was Bad When They Lost Your Bags.  
  
***************************  
  
When all was said and done, Major Samantha Carter was first and foremost a scientist. The recent visitations to Stargate Command by what they referred to themselves as the Scoobies irked her. It was not scientifully possible.  
  
Sure, she'd seen that parallel universes existed. Daniel had been to a couple and she'd even met herself once. That she could accept. It bugged her that she couldn't understand the Quantum Mirror, but there were solid, rational, scientific reasons behind its workings.  
  
But all this magic they talked about.. this rituals of words and gestures and objects.. Rubbish. Total and absolute rubbish. And as for this talk that Dawn was actually made up of dimensional energy - ridiculous. Obviously, some kind of Goa'uld technology was in use somewhere, and she was determined to find out just what kind. The last couple of times, she'd actually managed to get some solid readings on the energy used. Maybe now, she'd be able to duplicate it.  
  
"Oh, Carter?" came the voice from just behind her left ear, as she was making a final few adjustments to the underside of the modified Naquadah generator. Controlling her first impulse to jerk her head upwards, she carefully pulled herself out from under and turned to face Colonel O'Neill.  
  
"Sir? I was just making a few adjustments to the modified generator" she said, seeing his faintly disapproving look. And his lack of uniform. Which meant. uh-oh.  
  
"You are aware, are you not, Carter, that we are all currently on leave? That being so, why precisely are you still here, toiling away at... at. at whatever that contraption is" he smirked, eyebrows oh so casually raised in that sarcastic way of his.  
  
Carter folded her arms defensively "It's a modified Naquadah generator, Colonel. Designed to create a temporary subspace energy field leading to an Einstein-Rosen bridge across.."  
  
She was interrupted by Jack's "Hold it!". Glaring somewhat at her, he continued "How many times have I told you about too much techno-babble? Small words, Carter, small words."  
  
The two of them were temporarily diverted by Daniel's entry into the room, carrying a couple of textbooks. "Hey Sam, Jack. Ready to go? Teal'c is just coming." Placing the books down on one side, he noticed the generator. "Oh hey, is that the ERG? How's that coming along, Sam?"  
  
That was it. Clicking his fingers to get their attention, Jack just looked at the two of them. "ERG? Subspace? And Daniel knows? For the love of Allah, will someone tell me what's going on?"  
  
Sam looked at Daniel. Daniel just looked back at her. She sighed and pointed to the generator. "E.R.G. sir. Einstein Rosen Generator. It should be able to create small limited portals to other worlds sir. Only parallel Earths at the moment, though Sir."  
  
Daniel moved forward and rested his hands on the ERG. "Sam's using some of the blood left behind from Dawn's first visit to the SGC to establish the precise dimension that... Ooops."  
  
"Ooops?" said Jack, with that certain tone in his voice. "Ooops, Daniel? Ooops is never good. In fact, I would go as far."  
  
At that precise moment, a bright green flash of energy filled the room. Quickly fading away, the room remained much as it was before, save for the absence of sound and three people. A silence broken by Teal'c placing his head into the room.  
  
"Colonel O'Neill? Major Carter?" Teal'c entered and looked around carefully. They could not have gone anywhere else without him observing their departure, so logically they must still be within this room. He moved forward, towards the machine that Major Carter had recently been spending most of her time on.  
  
Looking down at the floor nearby, his eyebrow quirked. Most odd indeed.  
  
*************  
  
Buffy had to admit, France did have some beautiful views.  
  
From up here on the Eiffel Tower, you could see most of Paris spread out before you. Even the way the streetlights shone in the darkened streets seemed pretty when you looked out at them. Just take care of the French vampires, and rescue Dawn first. Plenty of time for sight seeing afterwards.  
  
She ducked one particular punch thrown by the nearest vampire, and used her momentum to send her flying into the nearby steel buttress. That left her facing two male vampires in front. Good. Time to do the trademark banter and confuse them. "Guten tag! Ich bin Buffy die Vampire Slayer!"  
  
The French vampires just blinked and paused for one moment. One moment too long for one of them, as Buffy's stake went straight through his heart and he exploded into dust. That left the one circling in front of her, and the female one she'd run into the wall. Risking a glance behind her, she noticed that she was only just getting up now.  
  
The vamp in front threw a punch towards her head. Buffy easily avoided that, and kicked his leg hard just above the knee joint. As he automatically moved his hands towards the leg, Buffy took full advantage of the observation desk layout and swung one of the telescopes round in an arc and cracked his head with it. "Y'know what?" she said, tackling the dazed vampire and sending him to the floor.  
  
"Some things really are the same wherever you go. McDonalds. vampires. Dawn getting kidnapped." She sat on top of the downed vampire and placed her stake against his chest. "So, tall, dark and gruesome.. Where. is. my. sister?"  
  
Eyes flashing, the vampire scowled up at her and said ""Je n'ai absolument aucune idée de ce que tu me racontes."  
  
"Ummm.Dawn? Sacrifice thingie? Key? French Fries? Cul de sac?" Buffy paused for a moment, temporarily stumped. Her musings were interrupted when the female vampire jumped on her from behind. The sudden impact caused Buffy's stake to go through the chest of the vampire she was on and penetrate the heart.  
  
The resulting cloud of ashes flew straight up, momentarily blinding both Buffy and the female vampire. Scrambling away from her, Buffy looked round for her stake and couldn't see it. A whistle drew her attention to the side, to where Xander was standing, digging in his bag of tricks.  
  
Throwing her another stake, he grinned at her and yelled "Stake her, she's French!"  
  
Grinning slightly, Buffy jumped up and kicked the vampire in the chest, sending her flying back a couple of paces. "Will do!" she yelled back, before dropping down and kicking the vampire's feet out from under her. One last punch to the head and then the stake to the heart. yes!  
  
Pulling back to avoid the dust cloud this time, she got up and approached Xander. "Dammit Xander, I got vamp in my hair! Have you any idea how long it takes to wash vampire dust out? That bitch made me stake her friend while I was way too close" she stretched her arm out for one moment. "You and Wills take care of those three you had, I take it?"  
  
"Just about. They weren't expecting a witch and a one-eyed guy with a Holy Water pistol." He grinned back as Willow came over to join them. "So my sweet babooska, how went the asking of questions?"  
  
Willow smiled up at her closest friends. "Firstly, Babooska is Russian Xander, although I'm not totally sure on that. And second, I seem to be doing better with my Russian than my French. I mean, in school I was totally making with the frenchness, and Oz and homework and Snyder but then. well.. giant snake mayor demon thing. French just seemed sorta low on the revision priority list."  
  
"So no answers then either?" worried Buffy. "I think it's the language more than anything. Mind you, they do all seem to recognize 'Slayer' in whatever tongue." She turned to face the two of them once more. "What we could really do with right now is a linguist like Giles."  
  
Which naturally, was the point at which a large green portal opened up just above their heads, and dropped three naked people on the decking in front of them.  
  
**************************  
  
Colonel Jack O'Neill was a veteran of many, many arrivals in strange places. He'd been with the US Air Force for several long years, getting used to their constant shuffling around of personnel. Not to mention over seven years worth of Stargate trips. As such, he'd consequently developed a quick mental checklist of things to do on arrival.  
  
Step 1 - check to see whether anyone was shooting at him. Nobody doing so. Check.  
  
Step 2 - check your fellow travelers were present. Let's see... Carter to his left, Daniel slightly behind him. Check. Wait a moment..  
  
Step 3 never got to the launchpad.  
  
Jack's brain stuttered on Carter and Daniel being naked, swung back to Carter naked, hit the "I'm Cold" message being passed up by his outer nervous system, peaked momentarily in the logical section of his brain, and culminated in one shout : "CARTER!!!"  
  
Pushing himself upwards, he rolled over and looked towards her. Big mistake. Averting his eyes quickly, he continued in only a slightly quieter tone "Where are we? What happened to our clothes? And more importantly, why do you hate me enough to do this to me?"  
  
"Um, hello? Colonel O'Neill ?" A voice came from off to the side. Looking towards the voice, he saw three young people. Two girls and one young man with an. eye patch.  
  
"Oh god, no. Please don't say we're where I think we are.." Jack's heart sank. Where those people were concerned was where he drew the line. Hell, his arm had only just healed from the first time they'd met.  
  
"Wow!" said Xander. "It's Terminator 4 : Send in the Clowns. Hey.. wait a minute" he cleared his throat and stared up at the ceiling. "What we could really do with right now is a supermodel! Or two! Preferably armed with some more Holy water and stakes."  
  
He looked at Buffy "I think you broke it, Buff."  
  
Jack pushed himself up off the deck and started to really notice the cold draft coming in. Ignoring the Scoobies for a moment, he turned to Sam and Daniel. Carter just looked at him, trying to cover herself up with both arms and not doing that brilliant a job. Daniel though. Daniel didn't have his glasses with him. Oh great. This was going to turn out so well. He could just tell already. "Carter? Daniel? How you two doing?"  
  
Carter seemed almost in tears. "I'm sorry sir! There's no way this should have happened. It's never occurred in any of the Stargate trips or tests. There's no way I could have known, Colonel."  
  
Daniel just seemed confused. "Jack? What's happening? Have you seen my glasses anywhere?"  
  
Oh great. The Slayer Squad had joined them now. "Miss Summers. What precisely is going on here? And would there be any chance of some clothing? Pretty please?"  
  
Buffy was pulling her sweater off and giving it to Carter, but seemed distracted somehow. "Oh! Yes! Right! Um.. we're looking for Dawn right now. She's been kidnapped by some local vampires who plan on sacrificing her." Okay. Right. Still sticking to that story of theirs then. And just what was she looking at behind him? Not Daniel, surely?  
  
Buffy moved towards Daniel. "Good to see you, Doc. Um. I mean... we need someone good with tongues. Languages! Yes! French! You speak good French, right?"  
  
She glanced briefly at Jack. "Oh yeah.. We're in France by the way. The Eiffel Tower to be totally locationaly accurate." France? That wasn't good.  
  
Daniel blinked and peered around fuzzily. "Yes, I speak excellent French. I normally read it pretty well too. Are you sure you don't have my glasses, Jack?"  
  
By now, both Xander and Willow had pulled off excess bits of clothing and were giving them to Jack and Daniel. Jack noticed idly at the back of his mind that Xander seemed to be almost sneaking looks at of the corner of his eye at Carter, who was trying to get her head through the sleeve of Buffy's long sweater.  
  
Willow spoke up "This was one of the two spots needed for the complete ritual to occur. So we came here looking for Dawn. We did find her blood over there, but obviously missed her by about 10 minutes."  
  
Sam pulled her head through the sweater's neck and piped up. "That would make sense. I was running tests on her blood. Guess we were pulled through as some kind of counterweight to their trying to open a portal. "  
  
Buffy looked grim for a moment and actually stopped staring at Daniel. "Then the big baddies behind it left enough vamps to cover their exit and ran for it. With Dawn."  
  
With Dawn? "Ah. Then you have no way for us to get back without her?" Jack swallowed. Definitely not good. "Carter? How long do we get in an alternative earth before Catatrop. Cata.Cal.. You know?"  
  
"Entropic Cascade Failure, Sir." Sam looked serious "When my duplicate was present in our universe, it took about 48 hours before the first signs hit. And then it got increasingly worse."  
  
Buffy looked at the three scruffily dressed SG-1 members, her arms folded across her chest. "So, you guys are stuck here unless Dawn gets you home fast. We need a translator to help us with the French vampires. Guess we're stuck with each other."  
  
Jack looked around at Carter and Daniel. "Guess we're in. But please? Can we get some real clothes soon? And weapons would be good."  
  
Willow came back from looking over the edge. "Buffy? I think we should get going back to our hotel room now. The police seem to be heading towards us now." She looked around the area and closed her eyes in concentration. "Besides, there's nothing more around here to find. No nasties or Dawn nearby."  
  
Buffy grimaced and started walking to the stairs down. "We'll find her. And then they'll be in trouble. Xan? Coming?"  
  
Jack mentally jumped. Anything was better than sticking round here in someone else's tight fitting clothing. He waved Carter and Daniel to follow Xander down the stairs. And couldn't help noticing the way that both Willow and Buffy's eyes followed along at about Daniel's groin level.  
  
As Jack started to walk by the two girls on his way down, he caught Buffy's whispered comment to Willow : "As Cordy would say. hello, salty goodness! Dawn's got much better taste than I thought." Jack just sighed mentally, and carried on going. Buffy smirked as she walked past Jack on their way down and shook her head. "Tsk, tsk, tsk. You'd think such a macho big shot soldier guy would be a tad more impressive in the equipment department."  
  
Jack blinked in bemusement. What was she. "Hey! It was COLD, ok?!!"  
  
Oh, someone was going to be in so much trouble when they got home.  
  
To Be Continued 


	2. Trash Talk

Title : Neighbours From Hell(mouth) 3 : Just Shoot Me part 2 Author : Booster Rating : 15 Summary : Sam's been busy working on a way to duplicate the way the Scoobies visit the SGC. That was a mistake. Disclaimer : Buffy and the gang belong to Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy. The Stargate people belong to Gekko Productions, Double Secret Productions, MGM/UA, and Showtime/Viacom. Setting : Third in the Neighbours From Hell(mouth) series and a sequel to Just Popping Back. Takes place after both Buffy season 7 and Stargate season 7 Distribution: Twisting the Hellmouth, FanFiction.Net, if anyone else wants it, just email and ask.  
  
Feedback: Yes, please. Special Thanks : Rescue, who provided the French scenery and translations. And Laney, a very special beta reader and encourager. Plus, it was during one particular chat with her that this all fell into place. Blame her. I mean it. Her. Totally her fault. Stop looking at me like that.  
  
***************************  
  
Chapter 2 : Trash Talk  
  
In a Parisian hotel room, Daniel leaned back against the plumped up pillows on the bed, and peered blurredly around the room. At least now he, Jack and Sam were alone long enough to try and figure out what to do. Hopefully, getting him another pair of glasses was high on Jack's priority list. And clothes that fit. That was, of course, after Jack finished yelling at Sam.  
  
Mind you, Jack was getting kind of predictable in his chewing outs, Daniel observed. First there was the setup "Dammit, Carter! I told you take up knitting to relax, but did you listen? Nooooo!"  
  
Cue the sarcastic comment. "I know what I'll do instead! I'll build a different machine to take us to other strange places with lots of big strong nasties with very sharp pointed teeth!"  
  
Build it up for the big finale."And with NO weapons! NO clothes! And NO way back!" All told, Daniel gave it an 8 out of 10. Bonus point for the repetition at the end.  
  
The door opened and the guy with the eyepatch (what was his name again? Xander? Zander?) stuck his head round it. "Hey, hey! Man with clothes coming through!"  
  
Moving to the side of Sam's room, he tipped the pile of clothing he was carrying on top of the dresser, and turned to face them. "So, lady and gentlemen, I trust you're enjoying your stay in our dimension so far? Don't forget to admire the scenery while you're here." His face turned sober for a moment and he looked at them closely "Just how serious is your situation here?"  
  
Sam sat down rather suddenly next to Daniel on her bed. "This actually happened a while back in our reality. My counterpart and Major Kawalsky came through something called a Quantum Mirror. About four years back?" Seeing Daniel's nod of his head and Xander's blank stare, she sighed and continued "Well, they were a version of myself that had never joined the military and Major Kawalsky, who died in our world two years before that. Kawalsky was okay, but after 48 hours or so, my. other self. started to be affected by the increased entropy generated by both of us existing in the same reality and causing a slight temporal distortion."  
  
Xander blinked. Then blinked again. "Huh?" was about all he could manage.  
  
Jack scowled and threw his arms in the air "See? I told you, Carter! Always use small words, Carter. Teenie weenie itsy bitsy little words."  
  
Daniel peered towards the blurred O'Neill. "Er, guys? Sam means that one Earth, one version of each person. The universe kinda notices after two days and tries to get rid of the wrong version."  
  
Ignoring Carter's muttered comment of "That's what I said", Jack scowled even further at Xander. "So basically, we're now stuck here until we can get the next scheduled green glowing thing back to our world. And the only person who can come up with these afore mentioned green glowing things has been kidnapped, allegedly by vampires. Great. Just great."  
  
Waving his arms around wildly, Jack dramatically glared upwards "What else could go wrong?!?" Then he froze, as the sound of a ripping seam from his borrowed clothing answered him.  
  
Xander snorted and moved towards the door. "Well, for one, I don't want to be around when Buffy finds out you've ripped her favorite jacket. Do me a favour, and don't do that to my best clothes over there. I'm kinda fond of them."  
  
**********************  
  
In the next door suite, Buffy hung up the phone and turned to face Willow. "Giles says there's no way he can make it over to Paris before tomorrow evening at the earliest. Chao-Ahn's leg won't be fully healed up for a couple more days, but the trouble is that they're in an awkward part of China to get out of right now. He did suggest you try looking up the Rite of Yenal though, Wills."  
  
Willow flashed a brief look of thanks up from her laptop. "I'll start running a search on that in a moment, Buffy. I just need to finish ordering up the new clothes for our new friends next door and pay for their room here."  
  
Entering the suite, Xander sat down at the table and started to play idlely with the limp croissant on the plate on front on him. "I miss the donuts. You just don't know what you have until they're gone." He sighed, pushed the plate away and sat up in shock at the table. "Wait! Wait! So, which of us is paying for all their stuff? And the mini-bar? Is it my turn again?"  
  
Willow smiled, but didn't take her attention off the screen. "Don't worry, Xander. Colonel O'Neill is one of those few people who have their credit card number memorized. He figures that his counterpart will be easily able to prove he was nowhere near Paris." She grinned "Besides, he figures that if they have to leave this world because of his own self, then the darn galoot can damn well pay for it".  
  
Buffy stretched out a foot and hooked out her Bag of Stuff from under the table. Taking out a stake, she started twirling it around in her hand. "Galoot? Okaaaay. Moving right along, it's good to hear that. If we have Dr Goodbody Jackson around to do a proper translation, then all we need now is a live vamp. Well, a dead live vampire. Um.A dead vampire.. A non-pile-of- dust-vamp?" She looked at Xander hurriedly. "Xan? Feel like playing live bait again?"  
  
"Oh, why not?" Xander shrugged and stood up. "What do you think? Nasty limp to go along with the eye patch this time? Or fall back on the old arm in a sling routine?"  
  
"Done it!" exclaimed Willow, still working away on her laptop. "That's everything paid for and on their way over. Guess "I'll pay double" does work in every language. Maxed out the credit card mind you, but then that's what the Colonel ordered." She turned round to face them "While you two are playing, guess I'll carry on the search for the second ritual site and throw in a free Yenal while I'm at it."  
  
Halfway out the door, Xander paused and looked back. "Wills? You're another one of those people who memorize their credit card details, aren't you?"  
  
Willow just turned round slightly and just looked at Xander, her eyebrow raised. "Yes, that's right, Xander. And Buffy's. And most definitely yours.. "  
  
As Xander hastily ducked out into the corridor and followed Buffy, his voice drifted back : "Buffy. Remind me to check my statements whenever we get back."  
  
*******************  
  
Colonel Jack O'Neill, late of Stargate Command, stomped along the corridors of the Hotel Plat D'Etain. He was not in a happy mood at all. By now, he should have been happily on to his second bottle of beer while waiting for their table at Stout's Bar and Grill. Definitely not in France. Definitely not in another universe. And most definitely, not in someone else's clothing.  
  
And this story of theirs. Vampires? Ridiculous. He'd never liked their quick and hurried explanations of just what was happening in their world. Some sort of degenerate Jaffa or Goa'uld possibly? That was the one thing that he and Carter were united on - that technology and maybe genetic manipulation of some kind were involved. His own personal theory was that a couple of them had managed to work out the kinks in that super-human gadget that the Tokra had tried out on SG-1 a couple of years back. Lower levels of strength and no speed, but totally reliable.  
  
Well, he was here in their world now (whether Carter had meant to or not) and he was going to get some answers dammit. And some proper clothes.  
  
He slowed down as he reached the end of the corridor next to his room, and just happened to glance out of the window. His attention caught, his hand dropped away from the doorknob. It was still fairly dark out there, but he could swear that he knew those two figures out there in the alley. Now, what were Buffy and Xander doing out down there, when they were supposed to be arranging their new clothes and lodgings?  
  
Going into his and Daniel's room, Jack quickly examined the window overlooking that same alley. Just a few catches here, wedge it open with this and climb out onto the fire escape without setting off any alarms thus. He paused for a moment, letting his eyes adjust fully to the darker area around him. Hmm.. he'd estimate it as nearing sunrise in about an hour or so, still cold and windy with a few drops of rain. Luckily, the moon was going behind clouds most of the time. He moved off down the escape carefully and quietly.  
  
*************  
  
Buffy could feel someone approaching.  
  
Her senses were as sharp as ever. In some ways she wondered whether her senses and her strength were increasing over the years. She noticed that she was able to lift more weights and punch even harder than when she'd first started out, way back in Hemery High. She just wasn't sure whether it was a result of all the training and her body finishing with puberty a while back, or the Slayer power growing.  
  
Something for her and Faith to sit down and discuss one night. The two of them, after all, were the two with all the experience now. Hell, they were being called the Senior Slayers now, or even the Prime Slayers. All these new ex-potential Slayers, they'd met on their way across America and now across Europe, were looking up to the two of them. If only they knew just how screwed up both her and Faith had been in their time.  
  
In some ways too, she was getting tired of all the late nights she spent out slaying. Of all the cuts and scratches and goo that got everywhere. She was the longest lived Slayer in years now, possibly in history, and coming up on her ninth year as a Slayer. And somehow, all the vampires seemed to be just as dumb as the last one. Anyhow, showtime.  
  
"Ok, Xander," she whispered. "Bunch of three vamps coming in from the end of the alley now. Try to keep one alive, okay? And keep up the drunk act a bit longer."  
  
Turning to face the approaching party of three, she put on her broadest US accent and just hoped that they'd got a cosmopolitan vampire this time. "Hey, howdy y'all! Say, can any of ya speak English? We're trying to find this here hotel De Ville ?" Flapping a map of Paris in one hand, she tried to look as guiltless as possible. Xander took the opportunity to belch loudly and stagger over to the alley wall. Sitting on top of one of the dust-bins there, he looked as stupid as possible.  
  
The group of vampires exchanged mildly interested looks with each other and wandered towards them. "Parlez-vous francais, mademoiselle?" the leader asked, resplendent in a particularly garish jacket. At Buffy's (non- feigned) look of incomprehension, the vampire behind him sighed and said "Stupides touristes américains. Je suppose que nous leurs ferions et au monde, une faveur vraiment."  
  
Buffy turned to face him and nodded enthusiastically "Yes, yes! Americans." She spread the map out further and stepped slightly closer to the leader, coincidentally just out of his reach at that moment.  
  
The third vampire picked that time to pipe up ""Nous pourrions le manger maintenant and la sauver jusqu'à demain. Quelque chose à manger avant le prochain ritual?"  
  
Buffy smiled. Something in that smile troubled the lead vampire. It suddenly wasn't an innocent smile. More like that of a very patient cat whose lunch had just come walking out straight to its dinner bowl. "Xander?" she said, eyes narrowing. "Try to save number three here. I know I don't know much about the whole French thing, but I'm fairly sure he said something about a ritual."  
  
Before the vampires could react properly, she was upon them.  
  
****************  
  
Jack swore and moved closer to the edge of the escape for a better view.  
  
Just what the hell was going on there? Those two had gone into this alleyway, ignored the first few passer-bys, and then approached this particular bunch. Now suddenly, they were attacking them? Why?  
  
He blinked and peered closer into the darkness. What was up with the faces of those French guys? They looked almost animal-like all of a sudden, almost like a mask of some kind. But he could have sworn they looked perfectly normal a moment ago.  
  
What the hell? Did that guy just disappear? All there was now was some sort of dust cloud of that guy with the loud coat. A Goa'uld weapon? He didn't know of anything that could do that. He moved even closer to the edge, ignoring the creaks of the framework. This was important.  
  
That Xander guy seemed to be keeping the last French guy at bay with a crucifix? A crucifix? Nah. Everyone knew there was no such thing as vampires. Mind you, everyone back home knew that there were no such thing as small gray aliens with big heads, and he'd pulled the Asgard's fat out of the fire enough times.  
  
Buffy was busy kicking the second guy's feet out from under him now, before casually side-swiping the third man with a dustbin lid. A follow-up bash of the lid full on the second guy's head made Jack wince just watching. Now she was on top of that guy, and pulling out what looked like a wooden stake.. No way! There was absolutely no freaking way that vampires.. Wait! Wait a moment..  
  
***********  
  
Just as the cloud of dust from vamp number two flew up, Buffy was distracted by the sound of an old rusty fire escape giving way after many years, and its sole inhabitant falling into a number of full-ish rubbish bins. Everyone, even the sole remaining vampire, froze in place and turned to look.  
  
One hand eventually reached up to the nearest drain pipe, and pulled the rest of the body out of the mess on the alley floor with it. The figure was covered in rubbish, food remains and had what appeared to be a banana skin over its left shoulder. It spoke. "I really don't like it here. Really, REALLY don't like it."  
  
The last vampire, belatedly realizing that this was not any help for him after all, quickly decided that the better part of valor was discretion, and ran off down the opposite end of the alley. Hearing the footsteps, Buffy quickly jumped to her feet and picked up the bin lid once again. Carefully weighing the lid in her hand, she threw the lid almost off handly like a Frisbee down the alley.  
  
Colonel Jack O'Neill blinked, and stared dumbly as the lid flew down the alley and connected solidly with the back of the running vampire's head. The solid sounding THUNK reassured him that at least some of his precious world-view was still intact. And the way the vampire collapsed to the floor, he knew he (it?) wouldn't be getting up for a while. Vampire? No matter how many times he kept saying that to himself, he still couldn't quite believe it  
  
Xander had been staring at Jack for a while now, and finally spoke in a horrified tone, "Is. is that my shirt and trousers?"  
  
*************  
  
Daniel was getting a little worried.  
  
Jack had been gone for a little while now. Normally, whenever he stormed off, he was back fairly soon afterwards. But not this time. Still, there was nothing he could do without his glasses, so he volunteered to stay in his and Jack's room and see whether he came back there. He'd made himself comfortable, taking a shower and closing the window. He was just starting to find the beds very comfortable indeed, when he sensed something. Sniff, sniff. What was that aroma? And why was it getting stronger?  
  
The door rattled in the frame, and a Jack shaped person entered the room. It had to be Jack. There was an unmistakable severely-annoyed-Jack type aura around the person. Not a good sign.  
  
"Jack? Are you okay? Where have you been?" Daniel paused and sampled the air a bit, "And is that.. you?"  
  
O'Neill held up one hand. "Enough. I do not like this place. It is not good. I have learned two things tonight." Moving towards the ensuite bathroom, he started peeling off the now sticky clothes. Frankly, he was glad they weren't his now.  
  
Turning to face Daniel, he held up his index finger and said "One, from the ever helpful desk clerks downstairs, I have learned my first word of French. I am now aware of what merde means."  
  
Holding up two fingers. "Two. Vampires exist."  
  
As Daniel started to speak, O'Neill quickly interrupted, "Ahh! No. Not now. After my shower, you may speak more. I am not in a good mood right now."  
  
Striding into the bathroom, and peeling off the remains of Xander's clothing, he walked determinedly into the shower, set the heating up high and turned the power onto full.  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! Who used all the hot water!!!!!!!!!"  
  
*********************  
  
Special Air Service Regiment Headquarters, Hereford, England. 0415 GMT  
  
"Kawalsky! Miller! Adams! My office - 5 minutes!"  
  
Major Charles Kawalsky rolled over in his bunkbed and looked at Lieutenant Adams, and wondered just what had put that particular tone in their CO's voice. And at this time in the morning? Never good.  
  
Still, five minutes later all three Americans were present and correct in their CO's temporary office. The boss was in his chair with that particular severely annoyed look on his face. Oh yeah, really not good.  
  
"Gentlemen," he began. Kawalsky's heart sank - this was not going to be good. He could tell already.  
  
"I have just been woken up from my beauty sleep by my wife's trans-atlantic telephone call. Let me assure you that yes, she does know what the time is over here. And no, she didn't care."  
  
Leaning forward, he placed his linked hands firmly on the desk and looked all three of them in the eye. "I know that you three have done an excellent job updating the SAS on the special situations that we encounter. And that you were looking forward to your weekend's leave. However, I wonder if you gentlemen would assist me in a small side project."  
  
Major Jack O'Neill leaned forward and spoke to them "Would anyone be interested in joining me on a little jaunt to Paris, and finding out just who is playing around with MY credit cards?"  
  
To be continued 


	3. Interrogation With The Vampire

Chapter 3 : Interrogation With The Vampire  
  
Vampire Torture Techniques 101, maybe?  
  
Hmmmm. perhaps I Went To Paris And All I Got Was This Lousy Vampire.  
  
Colonel Jack O'Neill idly mused on just what headings he was going to use and exactly how he was going to write all this up in his report to General Hammond. Hell, it had been tough enough just explaining to Carter and Daniel about just what he'd witnessed in that alley. Still, one long shower and one change of clothes later, he felt much better. Cold, but much better.  
  
So, here he was in a darkened French hotel suite keeping out of the way as three. 'Acquaintances'. were busy tying a vampire to a chair and shining a light directly at the vampire. He'd bet the guy with one eye (Xander?) had come up with that idea. Mind you, those knots in the rope looked like they'd have some experience behind them. He was supposed to be on his holidays now for chrissake! Carter and her stupid experiments.  
  
He smirked. Carter hadn't taken the news about vampires existing very well. Kept on going on and on about how parallel Earths were parallel, and therefore almost the same. He hadn't been quite sure of some of the words she was using, but the general gist had come across. He snorted. Carter really should have learned by now that theory was all well and good, but in the field theory tended to go out the window. In theory, all Jaffa should be fanatically devoted to the Goa'uld for one, and just look at Teal'c. At least she'd stayed in her room, frantically scrawling on sheets of paper.  
  
Daniel, on the other hand, was accepting things pretty darn quick. Jack supposed it was a side effect of that year he'd spent floating around the universe as a cloud of energy. Bound to have seen a few things out of the ordinary then. These vampires must seem like run of the mill stuff to him now. Certainly, the continued lack of a pair of glasses for Daniel wasn't stopping him from throwing himself whole-heartily into the translating with their captured vampire.  
  
He made himself more comfortable against the dresser he was leaning on in their new allies' suite. The bottles on top clinked against each other, and he had to reach out quickly to shush them before drawing everyone's attention directly on him. He sighed mentally as his gaze passed over some of the labels. Alright, he could understand the three large bottles marked Holy Water in black crayon, but some of the others? Essence of Nostalgia? Eau de Parmesan? He only hoped the dim light had caused him to misread some of the labels. And don't even get him started on the steaming mug of blood on there that they'd been trying to tempt the vampire with earlier. How'd they even think of such a thing?  
  
His attention switched to the group around the hog-tied vampire. Daniel was on one side doing all the translations, while their allies were surrounding him. Willow appeared to be busy rigging something up in the air above the vampire (hopefully without disturbing the light shining in the vampire's face), but Buffy and Xander were doing the actual questioning. They appeared to be running a Bad Cop, Worse Cop routine on him which Jack had to admit was a change at least. Buffy was of course the Worse Cop, waving her stake around in a most energetic fashion.  
  
Jack blinked. Daniel was going to have fun translating THAT into French. It wasn't where she was threatening to put the stake that made him blink - it was the name for her stake. And that was another thing - pet names for her weapon?!!? Oh, he was so definitely in another world.  
  
Jack shook his head and concentrated back on the action. Xander was making a fine Bad Cop. Obviously he'd had some experience before, and the eye patch always helped in these sort of things he'd found. Admitally, most of Jack's experiences had been from the side of the guy in the chair, but it was always good to watch a craftsman at work. Just needed a little gravity manipulation, and he'd feel right at home.  
  
"It's no good, Miss Summers," said Daniel, leaning back from his close position to the French vampire. "All I'm getting from him is his name, rank, and blood type." He leant back and pursed his lips a little. "I'm not completely sure whether that's his blood type or just his preferred favour."  
  
Jack cocked his head to one side. "Yes, because that's the important thing here, Daniel. Speed it up, willya? Some of us would quite like to get home at some point."  
  
Willow finished whatever she was creating up above the vampire, and bustled towards him. Xander seemed to have broken off his questioning, and was inspecting the ropes attached to the ceiling above the vampire. In fact, he looked like he was inserting a bucket into the arrangement. What on earth could they be doing? Willow grabbed two of the big Holy Water bottles from the dresser and went back to the others. Light dawned in Jack's mind. Now this had the potential to be very interesting.  
  
"Right!" Buffy began, leaning very closely to the vampire's face. "Translate this very accurately please, Dr Jackson."  
  
She slid the stake up the vampire's chest, and paused it when it reached his throat. "We have run out.. we have run out of patience, out of time and out of mercy. You are a vampire and I am the Vampire Slayer."  
  
She tilted his head upwards with a push from the stake against his jaw. Daniel had moved round to behind the vampire, frantically whispering the French translation into his ear. "Not a Vampire Slayer. The Vampire Slayer. The oldest one. The leader. She Who Closed The Hellmouth."  
  
Was it Jack's imagination or was this rubbish actually having an effect on the vampire? At least he assumed it was rubbish. Wasn't it?  
  
"Make no mistake. You are going to die. The only question is how? If you do not help me, then it will be long and painful." Her stake left the jaw area and flashed upwards, stopping impressively close to the bottom of the plastic bucket. Slowly, she worked the point of the stake into the bottom of the Holy Water filled bucket. Removing it, a tiny droplet of water formed at the point of entry and hung there agonizingly above the vampire's upturned face. A slight flick of Buffy's finger against the bucket, and the droplet fell. Where it hit the vampire's forehead, he winced and tried to pull his head away. Smoke was coming from where it had landed. Jack was simultaneously impressed and shocked at this point.  
  
"Or." she said, and left it there. The vampire's eyes kept flicking from the new droplet forming on the bucket to her face and back again.  
  
The vampire licked his suddenly dry lips and said "..Oui?"  
  
Buffy smiled. "Or you make it easy. You talk, we get Dawn back, we even throw in that cup of blood again." She turned her head towards Jack. "Colonel? Bring me the mug." She turned back to the vampire and considered him carefully. Then flicked the bucket again.  
  
The next droplet fell. The vampire hissed in pain again.  
  
Xander leaned in. His voice too was low and threatening. "Or there's option number 3. Which I strongly recommend against." He too flicked the bucket. Another droplet. Another hiss. He continued on, "Not only have you pissed off The Slayer by taking her sister, you have also managed to annoy The Witch." Jack could almost hear the capitals in that sentence.  
  
Xander moved round and stood in front of the vampire, taking Buffy's spot in the lamplight. "You've heard of The Witch, haven't you? The one who almost ended the world a couple of years back. Everyone's heard of her, right?"  
  
Jack looked up from what he was doing on the dresser. Witch? There was only one witch in here, wasn't there?  
  
Willow moved into the pool of light cast by the lamp. Something was odd about the way she moved - almost as though she floated into it. Something else was off too. Jack took a moment to notice the change in her hair colour. It was now dark black instead of red. That couldn't be good, could it?  
  
Willow's black eyes flashed. "This is getting repetitive. And boring. You wouldn't like me when I'm bored." She leaned forward and looked directly into the vampire's eyes. "Talk."  
  
And the vampire did. A stream of French emerged from his mouth. Daniel frowned and tried to keep up with the torrent. "He says.. Andre DuPrice's group have the Key. Somewhere in Paris - the Club Du Morte? Something like that. They're going to sacrifice her tomorrow night now, because you interrupted tonight's ceremony apparently."  
  
"Excellent!" Buffy smiled triumphantly. "Colonel, give him the drink now." She turned to Xander and Willow (who was still floating somewhat). "Okay, we have time now. That should give us enough time to find this club of theirs and find out about this rite of Yenal thingie."  
  
She turned back to the vampire, who quickly swallowed the contents of the mug that Jack had pressed to the vampire's lips. "So, how many of you are there around the club? What's the address?"  
  
Suddenly the vampire convulsed in the chair, almost jack-knifing it over onto the floor. He started screaming, and his chest started glowing before bursting into flame. As Buffy and the others quickly backed away from him, the ropes around him burnt to ash. Standing up, still screaming, he ran to one side of the room - and knocked straight into the bucket of Holy Water suspended above him.  
  
The resulting mess quickly turned to dust and a particularly messy looking stain on the floor of the suite. A silence ensued, broken only by Xander's muttered comment about cleaning deposits.  
  
And Jack's "Ooops".  
  
"Ooops, Colonel?" said Willow, looking even more pissed off than before if that was possible. "What, precisely, do you mean by ooops? What. Did. You. Do?"  
  
Jack's throat was suddenly a lot drier than he had thought it was. And oddly enough, he hadn't realized he was so close to the wall before. "I. um. put what was left of the Holy Water into his blood mug. I thought that was what you do with all the vampires you catch."  
  
"You stupid, stupid.. berk!" Buffy yelled. "Didn't your vaunted military training tell you to get the most information out of any source possible? Now Dawn's in real trouble."  
  
"Hey!" Jack shouted back. "I wouldn't have fed him if you hadn't yelled at me and not even bothered to let me know what the hell was going on. Besides, my training also tells me not to leave any little problems sitting around in your base of operations!"  
  
"Enough of this!" Willow snapped, raising her arm towards Jack. "Hecate, I beceech you! Work thy will! Before thee let the unclean thing crawl!  
  
Jack looked around, somewhat confused. What the hell was happening? Everything was growing larger around him all of a sudden. No, they weren't growing - he was shrinking. And just what was happening to the hair on his arms? Oh, crud..  
  
The large black rat sat on the hotel floor, and squeaked. Daniel was sure it was probably rat for "Oh, just great."  
  
Xander blinked at the rat now sitting on Jack's clothes. "Whoa. Bit of an overkill there, Wills. I know that using the Scythe thingie let you control the magic a lot better, but you're sure going to have to work on those mood swings."  
  
Daniel just sat in his chair and looked at the rat, then the Scoobies, then back to the rat. All three of them were suddenly getting flashbacks to Giles in the library. Perhaps it was the somewhat disappointed look on his face.  
  
"Ha!" said Willow firmly. "That'll teach him to mess around with the experts on vampires." She shot a slightly guilty look towards Daniel. "Not to worry, Dr Jackson. There's a time limit of about 4 hours on the spell. I've learnt quite a bit since high school."  
  
Settling down to the floor once more, Willow concentrated for a few seconds. Slowly the black seeped out of her hair and eyes. She flashed another look at Daniel. "Sorry about that. Really. It's just that the different types of magic I use tend to have a slight effect on me as well. Using the somewhat darker side tends to make me somewhat. trigger happy."  
  
"Mind you," chimed in Xander, attempting to be helpful. "She goes all Mother Earth and 'I feel your pain' when she's using the whiter shade of pale stuff." He looked at the others and paused. "And that's not really helping, is it? I'll be over here trying to get wet vamp out of the carpet then."  
  
And this was all so. ordinary for them? Just what sort of upbringing had they had in this world? Daniel pushed the thought to one side for the moment, and tried to push his glasses up his nose automatically. Oh yes. No glasses. Still at least he was in a better position than Jack.  
  
He looked up at Willow and the others, "Ahhh. yes?" He looked back down towards the rat who seemed to be examining himself with a slight air of disbelief. He decided not to annoy their only lead to getting home after all. Doubtless, when Jack returned to normal, he could take care of that. "I guess I'd better look after Jack for a while then."  
  
Buffy looked grim. "Hell, no! We need you for a little outside recon. We need to find this Club De Morty presto." She turned and paced restlessly across the room. "There is no way in hell that I'm gonna leave Dawn alone in a club full of French vampires. God alone knows what they're doing to her right this moment."  
  
**************  
  
Inside the Club Du Morte  
  
"More cake, Ms Summers?"  
  
"Hmmm. I really shouldn't. Trying to lose weight, you know." Dawn replied, looking up from the incredibly delicious looking cake on her plate.  
  
Across the table, Andre just laughed. "Oh go on, go on!" he said smilingly. "Look at it like this. either we sacrifice you tomorrow night as we plan and you won't need to diet. Or we'll all be dead and this food will go to waste. Is it not better to enjoy the moment?"  
  
Dawn tilted her head to one side, considering this. "There is a certain warped logic in there, though I'm not sure whether it's insane vampire logic or French style." She settled back in the comfortable chair and gazed longingly at the chocolate covered éclairs so close to her. "I must say this is the most pleasant kidnapping and intended sacrifice that I've ever been involved in."  
  
Andre smiled again and pushed the big gooey 'Massacre By Chocolate' plate even closer to her. "We intend to kill you of course, but that is no reason to be rude. We French are known for our hospitality and it would be most.. Um. terrible mannered? Most uncivilized anyhow. "  
  
Dawn laughed. "I think you mean bad mannered, but your English is very good." One more cake wouldn't make that much of a difference anyway. Would it?  
  
Andre beamed happily, a sight only slightly ruined by the two fangs sticking out slightly from his upper jaw. "Thank you! I have worked hard on my English, but it is difficult to find someone to practice it upon. I trust you will forgive me for this intrusion on your last day."  
  
Dawn sniggered a little, and decided to go for the éclair after all. "Oh, I don't worry at all. Buffy will be around soon enough, and then you'll die. So, if you look at it that way, I'm intruding on your last night." She took a big bite and the rest of the sentence was lost in various noises of delight.  
  
*****************************  
  
There was a knock at Sam's door.  
  
"Come in!" she yelled automatically, before pausing in thought. If vampires did exist in this world, then did that mean all the legends about them were true? Including the invitation part?  
  
She turned away from her calculations on just how this world was different and just what changes were needed to end up in such a state. The door opened and Daniel stuck his head around it. "Hey Sam. How are things going here?" he said.  
  
Sam grunted somewhat and returned most of her attention to the papers scattered around her. "Oh, I will figure this out, Daniel. Depend on it. I just haven't found the right combination yet, that's the ticket."  
  
"Right.Um. I have to go for a short trip outside the hotel for a bit, Sam. Being the only real translator around here and all." Daniel sounded a little guilty while he was saying that, Sam noted at the back of her brain.  
  
Never mind, just as long as she wasn't disturbed right now. "That's fine, Daniel. See you when you and Jack get back."  
  
"Yeeessss. Um. I'm going to need you to do me a slight favour while I'm out, Sam." Daniel replied.  
  
"Hmm? Yes, yes.. whatever." Sam waved vaguely towards the side of her room, and returned her attention to her calculations.  
  
"Great! I'll just leave the rat right here where you can keep an eye on him then. See you soon." Daniel beamed. He darted into the room and then back towards the door fast.  
  
"Bye Daniel." Sam said absently and heard the door close behind her. Footsteps hurried away down the corridor. Odd. Daniel almost never ran unless it was combat. Her memory spun back over the last few seconds.  
  
"....Leave what?"  
  
She slowly turned her head, and looked at the end of the bed. "Squeak?" greeted her.  
  
Five minutes later, Jack was now trapped on the slippery surface of a French bathtub. No way of climbing up those sides, dammit. He squeaked again in sheer frustration and glared at his only company - a large yellow plastic duck.  
  
"What the hell are you looking at?" he squeaked and slapped the duck with one paw. It rocked back, then rebounded forward and hit his head. Great. Just great. Any more of this and he might well join a monastery when he got back.  
  
What else could possibly go wrong?  
  
********************************  
  
Meanwhile, halfway through the Chunnel, Major Jack O'Neill and his unit shifted uncomfortably on their train seats and waited for their arrival in Paris.  
  
To be continued. 


	4. Double Take

Chapter 4 : Double Take

Jack sighed about as much as a rat could, and settled down onto his paws. He hadn't been particularly fond of France before this, and his opinion was steadily swinging towards "Never Ever Visit Again". He'd been naked, covered in garbage and was now a rat. What else could go wrong?

The sound of a drop of water hitting the surface he was lying on interrupted his musings. Lifting his head he gazed past the giant yellow rubber duck towards the end of the bath. Yes, the tap was dripping. Yes, the plug was in. And yes, he really should stop challenging the universe to do things to him.

Scampering down the tub hurriedly, he ended up somewhat skidding into a small puddle of water that had already formed. After spending a couple of minutes trying and failing to get the plug out with his paws or teeth, he was stumped. Crud.

Perhaps one other option? He jumped up towards the taps visible in the air high above him and desperately tried to reach them. They seemed to be just out of reach, and there wasn't even a chain attached to the plug to try and get it out with. Double crud.

Last chance. He wasn't quite sure how this tail thing that he now had worked, but hell, it had to be worth a shot, didn't it? He jumped and tried to scrabble up the tub side towards the taps. Halfway up, he threw himself around in mid-air and tried to somehow use his tail to reach the taps. No good. He landed in the puddle awkwardly and panted in exhaustion for a moment. One more try. He jumped, threw himself around and somehow whipped out his tail – and it connected! His tail whipped round the tap, and Jack forced himself to take his entire rat weight onto the tail and pull the tap round a bit further. Yes!

The tap paused, then reluctantly clicked round to a new position. Jack smiled as the flow of water choked. Then it resumed. Faster than before. Jack closed his eyes and attempted to put his head in his paws. And, of course, triple crud.

*****************************

A couple of hours later, Sam Carter looked up from her work and blurredly stared at the numerals displayed on the bedside clock. Seven am? No wonder she was feeling so tired now – though that could be related to jetlag. Or would that be gatelag, she wondered as she stretched and stood up from the chair. 

Perhaps portal-lag would be a better term she thought, heading towards the bathroom, feeling the effects of all the coffees from earlier. She opened the door and stared somewhat in disbelief at the sight in front of her. The bathtub was pretty much now full of water (which she could have sworn was not there earlier). But it was the rat that Daniel had asked her to look after that captured her attention. 

In the middle of the bathtub, wrapped round the floating rubber duck, was a particularly soaking wet rat with what she could only describe as an irate expression in its eyes. As she looked on, the rat clung on for dear life (in a position that she could only describe as painful for the duck) and briefly dipped underwater as the duck bobbed under the surface temporarily.

Sam shook herself and went to the tub quickly. Pulling out the plug quickly, she lifted the rat out and lowered him onto a towel. The rat sneezed and gazed up at her with a somewhat accusing look. Feeling a tad guilty, Sam quickly grabbed the sides of the towels, and started rubbing the rat dry with alacrity. She was lifting the now dryish rat in the air when it happened.

Suddenly she was on the bathroom floor, with a damp and naked Colonel O'Neill on top of her. There was a long pause. Sam because aware that certain things were now in close proximity to her.

After a while, Jack spoke, "Two things, Carter. Firstly, we are never _ever_ going to talk about this in the future. To anyone." 

Sam swallowed, and nodded her head. She still wasn't quite sure what had happened, but she was damn sure that she didn't want any word of this occurring back on the base.

Colonel O'Neill's voice sounded somewhat relieved when he next spoke, "And secondly, Carter…. Kindly remove your hand from there."

*******************************

A couple of hours later, everyone had finally sorted out the issues of clothing and just where people were sleeping. It was getting quite late and very close to morning, so it was agreed that sleep was a priority, given that the next possible ritual time was the next night. Buffy wasn't too happy about leaving Dawn there for another night in the hands of a bunch of French vampires, but was eventually talked round.

Daniel was mildly curious about just what had happened to Jack while a rat, but backed off quickly at the first sign of a snarl crossing Jack's face. Besides, judging from Sam's demeanor, Daniel guessed a quiet query there later would produce better results. Or, at the very least, amusing results. He smiled sleepily and turned over in his bed, trying to get back to sleep. Jack's entry into their room had been quite typical – loud and brash, with several swearwords thrown in as he stubbed his foot, before he'd put the light on.

Daniel smiled, and drifted off remembering the time on PSX-438 when Jack had managed to tread on the fire on his way back from a toilet break in the night.

**************************

Later that morning, about half an hour after the arrival of the 9.12 express train through the Channel Tunnel, a taxi rolled up outside the Hotel Plat D'Etain, and four men got out. As Kawalsky paid off the driver, Major Jack O'Neill gazed up at the front of it. So this was where they were. He still had no real idea who would be busy ripping his credit card off, but he was damn sure that they weren't expecting him.

He looked at his troops and gestured. "Kawalsky, Miller.. cover the back. All these fancy French hotels have a back entrance as well as the front. Adams? You and I have the front door."

Kawalsky and Miller just nodded and headed round the side. Lieutenant Shaun Adams had not been with the unit for quite so long as the others, and glanced up, slightly surprised, at Major O'Neill. "Front door, Sir?"

Major Jack O'Neill smiled. Not a nice smile. "Oh yes, Adams. Always take the bull by the nose-ring, I say." And walked up to the front door, leaving Adams no choice but to catch up. He was slowly starting to realize why the fourth position in O'Neill's squad tended to come open fairly often.

Using the revolving doors to enter, they strolled up to the front desk. Jack's first reaction upon reaching it was to deliver a fairly solid slap to the bell there. Before the chime had died away, the manager had exited the back office and was standing there beaming at them. "May I be of further service, Colonel O'Neill?" he inquired in a flawless English voice.

Major O'Neill exchanged a look with Lt Adams. Not quite what he'd expected, but what the hell? Time to play along. He smiled tightly. "Ah… that's Major O'Neill, if you don't mind, Mister…?"

"Monsieur Dubois, Major," the smartly dressed Frenchman replied with a slight hint of confusion on his face.  "We met briefly last night, after your… unfortunate... accident with the garbage. Maria and Edith have only just finished cleaning the entrance."

Garbage? Major O'Neill was slightly taken aback, but recovered quickly. The manager had definitely recognized him as Jack O'Neill (ignoring the rank mistake). This was looking more and more interesting. Time to pay out a little more rope… "I was hoping to meet up with…" he said, trailing off in the hope that Dubois would open up a little more.

Dubois sniffed haughtily. "Your… companions… will doubtless be down for their normal loud breakfast very soon." He waved dismissively towards the dining room visible through the left side of the hotel hallway. "Perhaps you would be best off awaiting their pleasure there." He sniffed once more, and turned to walk back into his office.

Jack exchanged a somewhat puzzled glance with Lt Adams. And then his stomach rumbled. "What the hell!" he said. "Come on, Adams, if I'm paying for this all somehow, then I'm damn well going to get something for my money." He strode into the dining room and pulled up a seat at a side table.  "And I shall have great pleasure in saying 'Add it to the bill'!" And with a flourish, he swung his feet up to rest on a neighboring chair.

***************************

Upstairs in the main suite, the Scoobies were finishing getting dressed and taking turns showering in the main bathroom. This was due to the one that Colonel O'Neill had used last night somehow being blocked up that morning. Calls to Monsieur Dubois had not gone well for some reason. Buffy and Willow in particular, had entreated Daniel, as the best French speaker there, to have a word with the good manager. Eventually, Daniel had given in and wandered off towards the ground floor.

As Daniel left the room however, Buffy and Willow moved to the doorway and watched his exit with a certain glint in their eyes. Buffy tilted her head slightly and said in an attempted nonchalant tone of voice "Um… Willow? You appear to have ordered Dr Jackson's trousers a size too small."

Willow's turn to act innocent. "Really? Gosh Buffy, I hadn't noticed. After all, given that I am now 'playing for the other side' as Giles put it that one time, surely that would mean that I would not notice such small insignificant tight details." She blinked. "Tiny! Tiny details, I meant. Eeeeep."

Buffy reluctantly took her eyes away from Daniel as he turned a corner in the hotel corridor, and turned to look at Willow. "Kinda like window shopping for you, huh? No way in hell that you're ever gonna wear that, but you can sure admire the fine craftsmanship that's gone into the making."

The two girls giggled and turned round to find Colonel Jack O'Neill had entered the room through the other door behind them, and was just standing there with his best poker face on. His eyebrow quirked upwards in his best Teal'c impression, but he didn't say a word, just held out the pile of Carter's notes in his arms.

"Um…" was all that the ever garrulous Buffy managed to get out. Willow, on the other hand, had gone bright red and was busy having Sunnydale High Talent Show flashbacks. 

"Yes, well, that's a very good point there Buffy, and I'll be sure to think about that in the future, if I have one left, but if you and the Colonel will excuse me, I have to go phone Kennedy real soon. My girlfriend Kennedy, that is. Not like Buffy here, who's a female friend and a very close female friend, but my girlfriend Kennedy. Girlfriend. We're lesbians," babbled Willow, going even redder than before if that was possible. Casting one despairing look at Buffy, Willow made a break for it past the Colonel, who was somehow managing to keep the same impassive expression on his face. 

Still mortified herself, Buffy swallowed and pasted a smile on her face. Taking the notes from the Colonel, she tried to put on her best offhand everything-is-normal-folks face. She nodded firmly at him, cleared her throat and said, "Her girlfriend. Kennedy. She's a lesbian, you know."

And with that, she turned and left with the notes. Not walking too fast, not walking too slow. Dignity. Above all else, dignity. 

********************************

And downstairs in the breakfast bar, Major Jack O'Neill almost choked on his cornflakes as Daniel Jackson walked into the room. How, in all the name of all that was holy, had that damn archeologist gotten off Abydos?

Daniel finished grabbing his cooked breakfast from the plates on the side and looked round the room. When he spotted Jack staring at him, spoon halfway to his mouth, Daniel smiled and headed towards him. As Daniel sat down at Jack's table, Jack took the opportunity to signal Adams (who was going back for his third helping, having discovered a healthy appetite) to not come back to the table.

Daniel nodded at Jack, and dug into his breakfast with relish. Jack just stared at him. Thoughts raced through his head. How had Daniel got back? Was the Stargate working again? Why hadn't he been told? What about all the Abydonians? In the end, the simplest and easiest question snuck out first. "How did you get here?"

Daniel looked up briefly from his meal that he was almost inhaling "There's a lift over in the corner. You look somewhat better than the last time I saw you, Jack."

Seven long years since that damn Stargate mission. Seven loooong years. "Well, yeah. Only natural after all that time, I suppose." Jack said, pushing his bowl away. Suddenly he wasn't as hungry as he had thought.

Daniel almost snorted. Typical Jack to pass off being a rat for half the night. "Oh, I'm sure it didn't feel that long. But I bet you're never going to do that again, will you?"

"Hell, no." said Jack with a hint of venom. "Not one of the better events in my life." He noticed Adams had managed to sit near them, close enough to overhear. He regarded Daniel soberly for a moment. "So, what exactly are you doing now, Daniel?"

"Finishing up your breakfast and leaving fast, boys," said Buffy coming up to the table. She paused and looked towards Jack in a semi-puzzled way. "I thought you were just upstairs. How did you get down so fast?

"There's a lift over there," said Daniel, gesturing towards it with his fork, before bringing it back to swallow the last piece of sausage.

"Oh," said Buffy in a not-quite-convinced way before instantly moving on. "Anyhow, that creep Dubois has already called that taxi for our trip to look at Club Du Morte, so we need to move now before we run up the price too much higher."

Daniel quickly swallowed the remains of his meal (and Jack could swear that he hadn't eaten any food that quickly seven years back) and stood up. He and Buffy stood there, looking expectantly at him. Jack thought fast – obviously Daniel and the blonde expected him to do something here, so he might as well play along.

He stood up, and pushed his chair in. Better make it clear to Adams and hopefully leave a trail for Kawalsky to follow. "Well, who am I to refuse the illustrious Dr Daniel Jackson and…." Again he let the comment trail off, hoping for another clue. No luck. She just looked at him, with a slight glare in her eyes.

Luckily, he was saved by a man with an eyepatch sticking his head around the door frame and calling "Buffy?" Buffy? Who named their kid Buffy? Still, the blonde answered to it Jack thought as she turned to face the door.

Eyepatch guy spoke again, "Taxi's still waiting, Buff. And oooh! Is that breakfast I see before me?" Eyepatch guy came straight into the room and made a beeline for the breakfast plates, followed by a redheaded girl after him, who also appeared to have a very healthy appetite. Aha! Someone for the famous Adams charm to try and work its wicked way on, Jack thought happily as he joined Buffy and Daniel.

Buffy just sighed loudly and ushered Daniel and Jack to the entrance, through the revolving doors and then outside. The somewhat beaten-up looking taxi waiting for them just screamed "I am related to the manager", although to be fair, that could have been due to the Parisian traffic. Even on the brief trip to the hotel, Jack had become aware of the somewhat frenzied approach to driving most of the people here had.

Once inside, Daniel quickly spoke to the driver and got them underway. Settling down in the front seat by the driver, he called back to the rear seat "So… just how are the chances of us getting back looking now, Buffy?"

"Not sure at the moment, Daniel. You and the Colonel would be better off talking to Will about that when we get back." Buffy said, off handedly.

"Yes, yes, I'll be sure to have a word with him," said Jack, trying to make himself comfortable on the taxi seat. The damn seat belt was practically strangling him. He looked up. Buffy was looking at him, with a strange look in her eye.

"Yes," she said, carefully looking out of the window beyond him. "Hey, hope you didn't mind having to stay in Sam's room last night. Hope he didn't prove too much trouble for you."

Jack shrugged and said blandly "He was no more trouble than normal, I guess". That should cover all the bases, but time to change the subject anyhow. "So, how long till we get there?"

Buffy leaned back in her seat, arms crossed, and regarded Jack for a moment. "Oh, I'm sure that we'll find out soon enough, Colonel. After all, life's full of surprises when you least expect them."

To be continued.


End file.
